Clarence Wiki
Pilot Gallery Transcript

[school bell rings]

Mrs. Bernstein: Well class, I'm sure you've noticed we have a new student with us today! Clarence, would you like to get up and say something about yourself?

Clarence: Actually, could I do something else a little bit?

Mrs. Bernstein: Um, yes, absolutely, Clarence.

Clarence: [hands out invitations to class] This one's for you, and this one's for you, and this one's for you, and this one's for you. [goes to front of class] So, if you wanna know more about me, or be my friend or something, then just come over to my house tonight for a sleepover at my house. We're gonna eat a lot of pizza poppers, we can watch "The Golden Girls" on my big TV, and then at midnight, we get to bust open my mystery piñata. So you're probably not gonna wanna miss it.

Mrs. Bernstein: Oh, wow! Clarence, custom invitations! That is very considerate.

Clarence: You get one too Mrs. Bernstein!

Mrs. Bernstein: [looks at invitation and blushes] O-kay, thank you, Clarence, this is very thoughtful of you.

Clarence: [interrupts teacher] You're welcome. So if you wanna come over, just come to my house right after school, or you can come at dinner time, or you can just walk home with me. It's up to you.

Belson: Hey, Clarence, do you play hacky sack?

Clarence: Yeah, probably.

Belson: [crumbles paper into ball and kicks it at Clarence] BOOOO!


Clarence: [laughs awkardly]

[Clarence pops a ballon]

Mary: What do you mean no one's coming over? I thought you were having a sleepover. Did you hand out all of your invitations?

Clarence: Yeah, but they didn't like them.

Mary: Ooh, HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! AHH! [sighs] Well, who's gonna eat all these pizza poppers?

Clarence: [pause for a few seconds] Me.

Mary: Well I'm going to a Tubberware party at Denise's house tonight, and I'm not gonna be back till late... If anyone does come over, make sure you clean up after yourselves, all right?

Clarence: Okay.

Mary: [walks over to Clarence] Hey, if no one shows up, i'll help you eat all these when I get back. How's that sound? And, hey, we'll get to bust open your mystery piñata, huh?

Clarence: [gasps] Mystery...

Mary: YOW!

Clarence: [chuckles]

Mary: Chad's in my room if you need anything. Bye, sweetie, love you! [closes door on way out]

Clarence: Bye. [telephone rings] Hello?

Jeff: Hi, Clarence. This is Jeff from Lincoln Elementary School. I'm calling to RSVP for your sleepover extravaganza.

Clarence: [interrupts Jeff] Absolutely! Come on over whenever you want, buddy! I got a lot of pizza poppers!

Jeff: All right. Sounds good. I'll be there around five o'clock.

Clarence: Okay, bye, love you! [puts phone back]

Jeff: [knocks on door]

[running footsteps and Clarence sticks his head out of a dog door]

Clarence: COME ON IN, JEFF!

Jeff: [suprised scream]

Clarence: What, you never seen a secret entrance before? Hold on, I gotta unlock the door. [trilling]

[door unlocks]

[running footsteps]

Clarence: Welcome to party paradise! Let me show you around. We could play in my tree fort... or crawl around in my secret tunnel... or break all this wood with a hammer... or play Whack-A-Gopher... or wait till this guy lays an egg... or get blown around by this thing... or break all this wood with a hammer... or eat all these pizza poppers really fast! What do you want to do first?

Jeff: Uh, n-none of it?

Clarence: Oh... then what do you want to do?

Game Show Host: This great lake is known for having the most water.

Jeff: What is Lake Superior?

Clarence: Oh, what is uhh, um.. River... Superior?

Game Show Host: Brian?

Brian: What is Lake Superior?


Game Show Host: Correct!

Jeff: Yes, one more for me.

Clarence: Where do you even learn these things?

[doorbell ring]

Clarence: [gasp] I'll get it! [opens door] Hello. Are you here for the sleepover?

Sumo: Cut my hair?

Clarence: [chuckles] All right.

[clippers whirring]

[Sumo and Clarence chuckle]

[Clarence tree fort basket snaps]

Sumo and Clarence: Who-o-a! [basket breaks] UGH... [pause, then both continue laughing]

Game Show Host: Correct!

Jeff: [from far distance] Yes!

Sumo: Uhh, how come that kid doesn't want to play with us?

Clarence: Oh Jeff doesn't like to have fun.

Sumo: Well let's show him how!

[both nod their heads]

[punk rock music plays while Clarence dresses up as a punk and Sumo puts black marker under his eyes.]

Sumo and Clarence: [grunting and walking to Jeff while punk music plays]

Jeff: [turns TV off and claps hands]

Sumo and Clarence: Come on, get up, come on, dance with us, get up, come on.

Jeff: No, no.

Sumo: Oh, come on.

Jeff: Don't touch my hands, your hands are filthy, they're full of dirt.

[Jeff opens a bottle of spray, shakes it, and sprays it on hand.]

[music stops]

Chad: Hey, who killed the jams? I love that song. [imitating music]

[Chad runs to the fridge and gets a gallon of milk and goes sit on the couch and drinks it]

Chad: Don't stop rockin' on my account.

[Chad turns TV on]

Game Show Host: This Italian treat is made by frying the skin of a pig by it's own fat.

Jeff: What is ciccioli?

Game Show Host: Brian?

Brian: What is ciccioli?

Game Show Host: [ding] Correct!

[Chad spits milk]

[cut to Clarence's room]

Clarence: I guess rock 'n' roll isn't for everyone.

Sumo: Let's try a... different uh...

Clarence: Different approach...

[Sumo throws book with a string near Jeff]

Jeff: [gasp] Master level sudoku puzzel book?! [squeals]

[Jeff tries to catch the puzzle book and goes into Clarence room, when he goes in his room Clarence closses the door and frightens Jeff]

Clarence: Hey buddy, we're making prank calls. You want to join us? Okay, this one's for you. Ready? Go.

[Jeff reads what Sumo is holding up]

Jeff: Oh, um... is your refrigerator running?

[Sumo and Clarence both chuckle]

Phone: Police department. What's your emergency?

Jeff: You called the cops?!

Sumo: Uh-oh.

Jeff: [embarrassed] Hi, sorry, this is kinda embarrassing, but me and my friends were just doing some, uhh, prank....

Clarence and Sumo: Don't say that, don't say that, don't say that, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't!

[Clarence and Sumo push Jeff and Clarence speaks to the cops on the phone.]

Clarence: Ugh, no, no, everything's fine. There was a burglar, but, um... we broke his legs.

Phone: [mumbles]

Clarence: Oh, no. You don't need to send an ambulance because... because uhh...

[Sumo pushes Clarence away, take the phone, and continues his sentence]

Sumo: Because he caught on fire, he ran away, and he's gone. Don't send anybody. [hangs up]


Clarence: Do you think that worked?

[clock chimming]

Clarence: [gasps]

[camera zooms into Clarence face]

Clarence: Mystery piñata time!

Jeff: Piñata? Oh, I love piñatas! Why didn't you tell me you had a piñata? Let's bust it open!

[Clarence eyes sparkle]

[Clarence hangs a piñata on top of Jeff. Sumo chuckles while Jeff spins.]

Clarence: [chuckles] You guys are gonna crack up when you see what's inside this thing. Alright, Jeff. You're dizzy enough.

Jeff: [stops spinning and starts quivering]

[The piñata moves down slowly, while Jeff walks around trying to find it. Clarence and Sumo laugh. When Jeff finds the piñata he chuckles and gives it a good hit and then Sumo starts hearing something inside it.]

Sumo: [thinking] Wait a minute. What's that sound? Could it be...?

[Sumo's flashback starts]

Clarence: Do you want some honey in your tea, Sumo? You're gonna bee very suprised when you see what's inside my mystery piñata. Hold on, I got to change out of my bee suit.

[Sumo's flashback ends]

[Clarence lets go of the rope]

Sumo: [runs to Jeff] Nooo!

[Jeff whacks the piñata]

Clarence: And the mystery is...

[Jeff removes his blindfold and bees come out of the piñata.]

Clarence: [yelling] Bees!

[Jeff and Sumo scream]

Belson: Aw, man! That does look like fun.

[siren wails and tires screech]

[firefighter and police officer slams into door and frightens Chad]

Police Officer: Nobody move! We got a call about a robbery, fiery homicide.

Chad: [confused] Uh, I don't know.

[Clarence, Jeff, and Sumo run's down the stairs and outside]

[bees buzz on Chad and on the Police Officer and Firefighter.]

Police Officer: Hey, don't come on- stay over, over!

[Firefighter sprays water on the bees]

[cut to the living room]

[Clarence, Jeff, and Sumo are not wearing their shirts and are barefooted. They are eating ice cream on the couch.]

Clarence: I'm sorry I got you guys stung. I just really wanted you guys to have fun.

Jeff: I had fun.

Sumo: [mixing ice cream] Oh yeah, this is the best sleepover ever.

Clarence: Oh, cool. [lays on couch and drops ice cream] Ouch!

[end of episode]