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Man of the House Gallery Transcript

[Episode opens with a Monster truck Jousting commercial.]

Announcer: Friday, Friday, Friday! Monster Truck Jousting! Featuring the Number 1 Champion Driver, Rake Backburn! Medieval competition with an all-American footprint!

Rake: Did someone mention feet? Ka-Blam!

Announcer: Monster Truck Jousting This Friday! Este Viernes! [This Friday in Spanish]

Rake: Be there!

Chad: [chants] To The Joust!

Mary: [chants] Rake!

Clarence: Okay, bye already.

[Clarence closes the door.]

Mary: Where's my purse?

Chad: Uh, I dunno. Did you look on the table?

Clarence: It's right by the door, I put it there for you!

Mary: Oh, thanks, Clarence.

[Clarence closes the door again.]

Chad: Wait, where's my purse?

Mary: Chad, you don't have a purse.

Chad: Well, what's that little purse called?

Clarence: Wallet? It's right here. C'mon, you goofs. You don't wanna be late for your Monster Truck Jousting Rally date thing.

[Clarence closes the door again.]

Mary: So you have my cell?

Clarence: Yep.

Mary: You have Chad's cell?

Clarence: Yep.

Mary: Gramma's cell?

Clarence: Yes. I got all the numbers in the whole world, just right here.

[Mary bonks Chad in the elbow.]

Chad: Oh yeah. Um, you're the man of the house tonight, buddy. Your first night alone. That means you gotta stand up, um, t-take charge...

Mary: And make sure the house is still here when we're back.

Chad: Think you can handle it?

Clarence: Yes, sir. I was born to handle this.

Mary: Are you sure you wanna come, Clarence?

Clarence: Nah, I think I just need a nice, quiet night by myself. Just me and my toys. Probably gonna go to bed early. [audience aww sound]

Mary: Okay. See you later.

[They leave.]

Clarence: Alright, they're gone. Come on out.

[Clarence heard Sumo and Jeff stuck in the couch.]

Clarence: Oh yeah. You guys are in-couch-nito.

Jeff: [spits] You couldn't have found a cleaner hiding spot?

Sumo: Hey, that fixed my back!

Clarence: Alright, guys, welcome to freedom town USA! Home alone for the whole entire night. We can do anything we want!

Jeff and Sumo: Wow!

Clarence: [echoing] Anything we want.

Clarence: Ah ah ah! Full dog house. Read 'em and weep.

Jeff: Anything we want?

[Jeff cleans Clarence's entire house.]

Sumo: Anything I want?

[Sumo presses the button and cuts to pressing Jeff's nose.]

Clarence: Let's do some fun stuff now.

Clarence: Pinned down. I'm cut off from my platoon. I haven't eaten food in three days. The bad guys are right around the corner, but I got plenty ammo.

[Clarence sprays Sumo, but Sumo dodges.]

Clarence: Take that!

Sumo: Ha!

[He sprays Sumo.]

Sumo: He has the waffles. He's pulling them apart. Here's the windup. The pitch. [hits the waffle with the sandwich] Touchdown! [hit by a waffle]

Both: Toynado!

Jeff: Hey, Clarence? You're out of vacuum bags-- aah!

[Jeff wraps himself.]


[At Monster truck Jousting.]

Mary: [shouting] Whoo-hoo! Yeah, Rake! Over here! Yeah, yeah! Oh, I love you!!

[Chad sees Mary.]

Clarence: I'm Rake. Joust!

[Clarence and Sumo lunge at each other.]

Sumo: Woah! Clarence, are you naked??

[Clarence backs away. Sumo throws watermelon away. Jeff tosses ham away. Clarence uses his bowling ball and breaks the oven and makes a mess.]

Clarence: Touchdown!

Jeff: Come on, Clarence. Don't take all day.

Clarence: Are you sure, guys? Should -- should I go?

Sumo: For cryin' out loud! It's 63% safe!

Clarence: Okay. I'm doing it. Here goes... [falls down]

[Chad touches Clarence's shoulder.]

Chad: The house is yours now, slugger. I'm signing over the deed to you, champ. But remember, sport, you must protect it at all costs. This, Clarence, is of the utmost importance. We all believe in you so much.

Clarence: Yes, sir! You can count on me!

Jeff: Who are you talking to?

Sumo: Yeah, who are you talkin' to?

Clarence: No more breaking stuff, okay, guys? Chad just told me I gotta protect the house.

Jeff: When? Did he you?

Sumo: Home protection? We should watch that one show.

[Sumo turns on the TV.]

Don DeLaio: I'm Don DeLaio and I'm the best. Welcome to my world.

Announcer: Maximum Lockdown with Don DeLaio!

Don Delaio: Maximum Lockdown! Are you safe?!

Clarence: Umm...

Don DeLaio: Do you have enough canned goods in case of an emergency-lockdown situation?

Clarence: Yeah, I think so.

Don DeLaio: Well, a burglar could be waiting to break in and threaten your very way of life. Do you want your family's freedoms taken away from you?!

Clarence: No!

Don Delaio: Don't let your guard down. Be on the lookout. We'll be back...after these messages.

Jeff: Is...anything else on?

[Thunder crashes. Clarence, Sumo, and Jeff run around screaming.]

Sumo: AAAAH!!!!! AAH!!! AAH!!!

Jeff: Oh, it was just the power going out.

Clarence: It's an intruder! He's probably trying to threaten my way of life.

Jeff: We better call an adult.

Clarence: He probably wants to take away my freedoms, just like Chad warned me.

Jeff: Hello? Are you an adult?

Sumo: Can't trust adults. [snatches Jeff's phone and puts it on his head] Hyah! We're on our own. We gotta lock this place down.

Clarence: Don't worry, Chad, I won't let you down.

Chad: You better not, chief.

[At Monster truck Jousting.]

Mary: [shouting] Ohhh yeah! Yeah yeah yeah! Rake! Rake!

[Chad grabs an umbrella. Mary and Chad kiss each other.]

Mary: Alright, no.

Chad: Oh. [laughs nervously]

Announcer: Alright, Monster Truck fans! All you out there with VIP passes, line up backstage to meet Rake Backburn. Please don't show him your feet.

Mary: Oh, I wish we had backstage passes.

Chad: [laughs] Let's see... Uh, general admission, food pa-- Where are they? [thinking] Oh no.

Chorus: 🎵 Chad! Messed! Up! Agaaain! 🎵

Chad: Uh, I'll be right back.

Mary: [shouting] Whoo! Rake! Did ya say something, Chad?

[Chad walks off.]

Clarence: Jeff, Sumo, let's see those man traps.

Jeff: Easy... [puts one of the marbles in the floor]

Clarence: Darling, you look marble-ous!

[Sumo puts glue in the green army men.]

Clarence: Glue da man!

[Jeff puts ketchup in the bowl.]

Clarence: Welcome to the dressing room.

Clarence: [sips] You better chili out! [giggles and spits]

Clarence: Rice try.

[Jeff and Sumo put pasta in the floor.]

Clarence: Pasta la vista, baby.

Clarence: I'd like to see that burger get in here now.

Jeff: I think you mean burglar.

Clarence: That's what I said: burger. Like the hamburger -- that guy what steals burgers on TV.

Jeff: Well, it's pronounced burglar, but we probably don't have anything to worry about.

Sumo: Except for that guy! [points through the door]

All: AAAH!!!

Clarence: A BURGER!

Chad: [grabs keys and accidentally drops them in the mud]

Jeff: We should turn off all the lights. Wait, he probably saw us already. We're so dead!

Sumo: Keep it together. This is our time to shine.

[Clarence sees Chad.]

Clarence: AAH! False alarm, guys. I think it's just Chad.

Chad: Hey, guys!

Clarence: Wait a minute! If he comes in here, he's gonna see off all the traps! WE'RE GONNA KILL CHAD! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO--!!!

Chad: Clarence? You got friends over? Don't worry, I won't tell your mom. I just gotta grab something. Pete's sake!

Sumo: Uh-oh. He's trying the back door.

Clarence: Not the poison donuts!

[They run into the kitchen.]

Chad: C'mon, guys, no one's in trouble. I just gotta look for something.

Clarence: [whispers] Okay, we just gotta get him in and out as fast as possible without setting off any traps. [opens the door]

Chad: You guys getting in trouble in here? [chuckles] I'm hip to it.

Jeff: Trouble? Oh, trouble!? Nah, not at all.

Chad: Whoa, j-just kidding there, little man. Uh, where'd I leave those passes? Oh, I know -- the bathroom.

[Jeff and Sumo gasp.]

Jeff and Sumo: The bathroom!

[They run into the bathroom. Sumo get hit in the head by a bowl of ketchup.]

Jeff: N-nothing to see.

Chad: Wait, no. I left them in the garage.

Jeff: Oh no.

[Jeff runs into the garage. Jeff gets hit by the chili pow.]

Chad: Maybe they're in the bedroom?

[Clarence runs into his room and slides a lot of pasta and gets thrown out.]

Clarence: Hello, worm.

Chad: No. Did I leave them in the kitchen?

[Jeff and Sumo run into the kitchen.]

Chad: Or the attic? I dunno. Let's see. Uh...dining room -- dining room? Cellar? Study? The billiard room?

Clarence: Here they are.

Chad: Heh. Thanks. [runs away]

Jeff: Wait! No!

Chad: Stay outta trouble!

Clarence, Sumo, and Jeff: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

[Chad closes the door.]

Clarence: Good job, guys. Nobody died.

[Chad opens the door.]

Chad: Hey, I almost forgot to tell you g-- [gets hit in the knees by the bowling balls] Ohh!! Oh! [falls down]

Sumo: Hey, it worked.

[Chad groans and closes his eyes.]

Clarence: You, tell the hospital we're coming! You, open those ambulance doors!

[Chad groans.]

Clarence: You're gonna be fine, Chad. Clear! [puts his mouth into Chad's mouth]

Officer: Get out of here, kid.

Clarence: Give him all the medicine you've got, right into those legs! Chad, you're gonna be just fine. Don't fall asleep or you'll die.

[The ambulance drives away.]

Mary: You know, Clarence, I was worried you couldn't handle being on your own, but you really took charge tonight.

Clarence: It's all part of being man of the house.

Mary: Well, that was very responsible. Okay, let's say goodnight to Mr. Backburn and go inside the house.

[Jeff and Sumo run away. Mary sees Clarence's messy house.]

Mary: CLARENCE!!!!!!!!

[A monster truck drives away.]

Clarence: Can you drop me off at the circus?

Rake: She'll be fine after a couple more laps.

[Episode ends.]