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Hoofin' It Gallery Transcript

[We cut to some trees while a bird flies off a branch. Then we cut to a pig running in the woods, while a mob of town folk chase it. We cut to a bush with thorns on it, then the pig jumps in it, loosing the mob. Then we cut to the mob again at a steep hill with a rock on it. While a log rolls down hitting the rock making it break revealing Clarence, Sumo, and two other kids.]

Buckey O'Neill: [chuckles] Looks like old Clarence got himself in a heap of trouble.

[We cut to Bucky at his log cabin while he looks at us reading a book.]

Buckey: Why, hello there! [chuckles] Just catching up on my stories. Why don't you join me? You're probably wondering how old Clarence got in this mess in the first place. Well, you're in luck 'cause I'm gonna tell you. But let's start at the start.

[We cut to the Guy-Scraper.]

Clarence: [sobbing] And... And they make her run, and she's just too old and just grabbing at her little hooves. They shouldn't do that to an old lady.

[Clarence shows Sumo a poster of a pig named Butterscotch.]

Clarence: She-She-She just gets s-so scared! [Sobbing]

Sumo: Okay, okay, buddy. Calm down before your face cries off.

Clarence: I know, I just get so, so sad!

[While sobbing, Jeff holds binoculars and looks out the window.]

Jeff: Clarence, you need to calm down. The pig race is an Aberdale tradition. Besides, I don't even think pigs have feelings.

Clarence: Her name is Butterscotch, and she does too have feelings! How'd you like it if... How'd you like it if you were old and just made to run around and just getting all chased and covered in mud and everybody's just chasing you and...

[Clarence sobs his face on Jeff's shirt.]

Sumo: Alright, alright, easy, boy. Yeah, all of thems chasing that old pig around is messed up. So, whatcha wanna do about it?

Clarence: Well, um, we should, um... We should, uh...

Sumo: What if we make a sign that says "pig race canceled" and tape it up? No one comes, we're good.

[Jeff tries to get Clarence's tear stains out of his shirt.]

Jeff: You're kidding, right?

Clarence: Yeah, or how about we dress her like... like a baby and we can roll her out in a stroller and no one will notice and we could ride on the stroller and...

Jeff: Yeah, sure, or how 'bout we dress you up like a pig?

[Clarence turns his head.]

Clarence: That's it; We'll swap out Butterscotch for me.

[Sumo laughs with the idea.]

Jeff: Guys, it was a joke.

[Clarence and Sumo run to the barn.]

Clarence: Come on, Jeff! Let's go!

[Once they make it, they open up the barn's door.]

Clarence: Butterscotch.

[Clarence looks in the green wooden cage.]

Clarence: Poor thing. She's all cramped up in there.

[Him and Sumo open the gate.]

Clarence: She's even more beautiful than the picture.

[Butterscotch wakes up looking at them, then turns around and resumes sleeping.]

Clarence: Come on, Butterscotch, come on. You're free!

[Butterscotch farts]

Jeff: Uh, she isn't very motivated.

Sumo: Just give her a smack on the old bacon butt, that'll get her moving.

Clarence: No, Sumo. She's a delicate lady. We have to be gentle.

[C&S try to pull her out, but pushes them back. Then the boys lift the cage. Then Butterscotch crawls back in giving the cage more weight, making it heavy.]

Sumo: Alright, that's it!

Clarence: No, Sumo! She's delicate!

Sumo: Do you wanna save her or not? [He goes inside the cage.] Come here, little lady. That's a good...

[Butterscotch attacks Sumo in freaking out, then she runs out of her cage and hits a barrel.]

[At the next scene, him and Clarence carry Butterscotch out of the barn.]

Sumo: Don't worry, buddy. She'll be fine once she wakes up.

Jeff: But when she does wake up, she's gonna to run right back to the barn. We've gotta find a place to hide her 'till after the race, some place she'll stay put.

[Back at the Guy-Scraper, Clarence and Sumo hoist Butterscotch up to the top, tied to rope.]

Jeff: All right, easy now. Easy.

[They then let go of the rope, leaving Butterscotch on Jeff's face.]

Clarence: Okay, bye, Jeff. Good luck.

Jeff: What are you talking about? Am I supposed to stay here all night?!

[Back at the barn, Sumo uses some lotion to make Clarence greasy. Then puts a pink cat hat on Clarence and cuts off the pigtails with scissors.]

Clarence: Aw. So, what should I do if someone catches me?

[Sumo makes the pig's tail.]

  Sumo: Uh, I'll catch you. I've done this kind of thing before. Turn around.

[He attaches the pig tail on Clarence's underwear.]

Clarence: Goh!

Sumo: Looking good, buddy.

Clarence: Okay, I'm going in.

Sumo: Clarence, you don't have to do this.

Clarence: Yes, Sumo. Yes, I do.

[Sumo closes the cage door by kicking it.]

Sumo: Okay, see you at the big race.

Clarence: Wait, that doesn't mean you have to go. We can hang out.

[The sky at sunset now turns into a nightsky.]

Clarence: [singing] There once was a little boy, his name starts with "C". [While he's still singing, two boys enter.] and Clarence is me...

Seabass: Butterscotch?

Cooter: Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy.

[A ginger-haired boy sees through the peeky hole]

Cooter: Remember us? Whoa, she got really big.

[One with black hair shoves him out of the way]

Seabass: Let me see! Wow! Hmm. Catching her this year's gonna be easier than ever.

[they both shake the cage.]

Cooter: Soo-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-weee!

Seabass: Save it for the race.

Cooter: Come on. Let's go steal some eggs.

[They both laugh while they leave.]

[Back at the Guy-Scraper Jeff's awake while Butterscotch now on Jeff's back.]

Buckey: [laughs] Yeah, looks like that Jeff's in for a long cold night. Now, where was I?

[We cut to daytime at the pig race. Clarence wakes up while a tractor comes up to a crowd in seats.]

Clarence: Dillis, no!

Woman: Good morning, Aberdale! And welcome to the 35th Annual Aberdale Pig Race! Looks like our contestants are gathering up now.

[We now cut to an obese woman in a blue dress and has orange hair.]

Donna-Joe: Shoot. I'm Donna-Joe Judley here telling y'all to get ready to yell "Sooo-we" 'cause it's racing time!

All: Sooo-weee!

Donna-Joe: First prize is looking real good this year.

[We cut to a barrel with a ribbon saying "first place".]

Donna-Joe: A family-size barrel of processed meats. Good until September.

Sumo: Pow-pow-pow! Pow-pow, pow-pow-pow...!

Cooter: Well, well, who do we have here? Haven't seen you around, Sumo. Where you been? Heheh. School?

Seabass: You stink like books.

Sumo: Don't you have a wedding to attend or something?

Cooter: Not today. My wedding's tomorrow. In the meantime, we've got a pig to catch.

Sumo: I'll bet Butterscotch'll look good in white.

Cooter: What'd you say?

Sumo: Huh, what?

[Cooter points his fingers at his eyes then Sumo. Sumo sticks his tongue out and makes bunny ears with his fingers.]

Sumo: Blahhh!

Donna-Joe: Whoo-wheee! Let's get rolling! Randal, grease up that pig!

[Randal pours beacon grease in the cage.]

Clarence: Randal, I'm already greased up...!

Donna-Joe: And remember, y'all, no forks, sporks, ropes, or nets. Gotta catch that pig with your bare hands [Laughs, snorts] Y'all ready? Say soo-we!

Kids: Soo-wee!

Donna-Joe: On your marks...

[Sumo and Cooter growl]

Donna-Joe: ...get set, go, go, go!

[Amy blows a foghorn. Seabass and Cooter push Sumo to the ground then gets up. The gate opens and a spring attached to a piece of wood that smacks Clarence's butt making him hit the muddy ground.]

Clarence: Whoa!

[The kids run to Clarence. Clarence runs back in the cage but it closes and he runs on his arms and legs.]

Donna-Joe: And we got Tammy-Ray running close alongside Doogan. Oh, Cooter and Bubba have slipped up all in that mud. And here comes Willy Johnson. But, oh, just inches away.

[The crowd cheer.]

Donna-Joe: She may be big, but that's one fast pig. The runners look like they have her surrounded.

[They grab Clarence, but because of the grease he slips and gets in midair, then lands]

Donna-Joe: That is one greasy pig! Sumo and Cooter are neck and neck!

[Clarence climbs out of the race and into the woods.]

Donna-Joe: Oh, what's this? Looks like old Butterscotch has broken out of the pen! [Laughs] Oh, no! This race is like a bucket of crickets on Sunday! What you folks just sitting around there for? Get on out there! It's a free-for-all!

[The crowd joins the runners. Meanwhile, Jeff sees the mob chasing Clarence.]

Jeff: You sure are lucky that's not you out there... Butterscotch! [Butterscotch jumps out the window.] Butterscotch!

[Jeff grabs the rope and the wall of the Guy-Scraper breaks off while Jeff's off for the ride.]

[Meanwhile, the mob still chases Clarence. Sumo tries to keep up, but the mob is too fast, then he slows down tiredly, because of running.]

[Meanwhile with Clarence, he goes through a chopped down tree, losing the runners. He still runs, then he hides behind a tree. Found out that the mob's right next to him, he runs once more and the mob chases him.]

[He enters the same bush from the beginning of the story, losing the mob. Then he hits a big rock then crashes in a log. After he crashed in the log, he sees Sumo panting to still find Clarence. Then the mob passes through Sumo to still find Clarence also.]

Sumo: Clarence? Hey, Clarence, where you at, buddy?

Clarence: Sumo. I'm over here, buddy.

Sumo: That you, buddy?

[Seabass shoves Sumo.]

Seabass: I knew you were up to something.

[Cooter see through the little hole sniffing Clarence's grease.]

Cooter: Whoo! Seabass, I smell her!

[Clarence backs up and Seabass goes down the hole Clarence fell in.]

Seabass: Sooo-weee! I found her!

[Cooter jumps in the log too.]

Clarence: Hey, guys, this is... all just a terrible misunderstanding.

Seabass: Looks like we got ourselves a talking pig, Cooter. Think you're fancy, don't you, pig? Well, we don't like no fancy pigs.

Cooter: That's right. You tell him, Seabass.

Sumo: Don't worry, Clarence, I'm com... Whoa!

[Sumo falls in the log making it roll. Clarence and Sumo both bump on the log while Cooter and Seabass hold on to it. Then, the same thing in the beginning is where they crash into the rock sending Clarence in flying then lands into a puddle.]

Man 1: He ain't Butterscotch.

Man 2: That pig is a boy.

Man 3: I reckon that boy's a pig.

Man 1: All right, what'd you do with Butterscotch?

Seabass: And this one's in cahoots!

[They shove Sumo in the puddle.]

Man 2: Now, how about you tell us where Butterscotch is.

All: We want Butterscotch! We want Butterscotch!

[Butterscotch runs back to the barn, while Jeff's tied to her butt.]

Man 4: It's Butterscotch!

[They chase Butterscotch back to the barn.]

[Back at the race, Donna-Joe eats a sausage while waiting. She then hears Butterscotch squeal. Butterscotch jumps the fence and when she gets to the barn, then she slows down and starts to slumber.]

Donna-Joe: Well, looks like we have ourselves a winner! I admire your technique.

[We cut to Jeff's face, while his nose is down.]

Donna-Joe: Come and collect your barrel of meat.

Woman: What you talking about, Donna-Joe?

Man 5: Far as I could tell, that pig caught him.

Man 6: Th-Th-This ain't fair! That meat belongs to me!

Man 5: Everybody, riot!

[He throws a barrel at the first prize, then the crowd step on them and one of them eat them. A man take Donna-Joe's wig and she chases him. Two kids pull down a pole, and four more tip Butterscotch's cage. A man drives the same tractor thru the stand, a boy holds the first place ribbon then Emilio attacks him. Clarence and Sumo get Jeff and Butterscotch still tied up.]

Clarence: Hey, Jeff, things are getting ugly. Come on, Butterscotch. Let's get outta here.

[A woman holds up two lit matches, Amy Jumps off the balcony. The police and firemen come to the riot, while the others run back.]

Sumo: We lost them! Ha-ha-ha!

[A man stabs a pitchfork at us. Then we cut back to Bucky.]

Buckey: Okay. Wow. And just gonna skip ahead. Oh, my. Whoa! That's uh... Uh, uh, Damian, we can't show this to kids!

[The episode ends with the TV test pattern.]