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Clarence's Millions Gallery Transcript
Clarence's Millions
Clarence's Transcripts
Episode Season ##
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Episode begins in Aberdale Elementary

Ms. Baker: All right, everyone. Okay, let's pull out our books. "The Quirkersons were orphans ever since their parents spontaneously combusted, as parents are known to do."

[Clarence and Sumo are seen fighting each other with elastic bands]

Ms. Baker: "The orphans had dueled with sinister adults and solved crimes of the most peculiar peculiarities. But this case would turn out to be perhaps the quirkiest..." [Ms. Baker realizes that Clarence and Sumo are fighting with elastic bands] Clarence and Sumo, you know I'm gonna have to take away a buddy star for that.

[Everyone gasps]

[Miss Baker takes one star from Clarence and one from Sumo. Remaining 1 to Clarence and -5 to Sumo.]

Clarence: Man, I'm not doin' so hot on my buddy stars.

[Everyone goes out to the hall.]

[You see Breehn talking to Dustin.]

Breehn: Jeff has so many buddy stars. Why even try?

[You see Courtlin talking to Darlie.]

Courtlin: Do you think I have enough buddy stars to get into a good college?

[You see Clarence, Jeff and Sumo walking in the hall.]

Jeff: So, I counted, and I have 23 buddy stars. That's the most in the whole class!

Sumo: (being sarcastic) That's great, Jeff.

Jeff: Don't be jealous, Sumo. It's just 'cause I work a lot harder than everyone else.

[Sumo makes a sound with his tongue.]

[Clarence looks both ways, worried about his classmates]

Jeff: Oh, that's really mature of you. Oh, that's a very convincing argument.

[At night, Clarence is seen in his room, reflecting about buddy stars]

Clarence: What do buddy stars even mean? They're not my buddies. They just make everybody sad everybody except for Jeff. I wish everybody could just have as many as Jeff. Then everyone would be happy. I should just make up my own rewards and give those out to everybody. My own buddy stars! That's it! Okay, okay, think, think, think, think, think. What could be better than star stickers? Ice cream, dogs, money. Money! That's it!

[Clarence breaks his piggy bank. Clarence places a note on his desk and inspects it. Clarence takes out the stickers from his stamp.]

[Mary is seen with Clarence's food.]

Mary: Hmm Clarence, if you don't eat your food, I'm giving it to the dog!

[You see Clarence taking out the stickers from his stamp.]

Clarence: Tell her I can't make it tonight! Not when I'm this close.

[Mary is seen with Clarence's food.]

Mary: What is wrong with that boy?

[Mary throws Clarence's food into Dennis' plate of food.]

[You see Clarence throwing papers in the trash. Clarence gets angry.]

Clarence: Too dark too light this isn't working!

[Clarence takes out a wet paper.]

Clarence: I can't use this. It's wet!

[Clarence is seen lying on his desk.]

Clarence: Gotta make some money.

[Clarence sees a box of crayons.]

Clarence: Of course! It's so simple.

[You see Clarence drawing with his crayons']

Clarence: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Right there.

Next day in school.

[Clarence enters the school and sees Crendle walking in the hall']

Clarence: Hey, Crendle! Good job at showing up for school today!

[Clarence gives a Clarence Dollar to Crendle.]

Clarence: Here you go.

[Clarence goes to Marlie and is seen in a different dress.]

Clarence: Ooh, nice backpack! Oh, wow! And you're wearing a T-shirt that matches? Cool!

[Clarence gives a Clarence Dollar to Marlie.]

Clarence: Here, have one more.

[Clarence gives another Clarence Dollar to Marlie.]


Tee-hee! C-plus? Great job, Clarence! Aw, man, another "F. " I really thought I'd pass this one. Well, you should have studied. I did study. I guess I'm just dumb. - Here you go. - What is it? It's a Clarence dollar for puttin' in a good effort! Wow. Somehow, I don't feel the sting as much. Mmm. Clarence, he got an "F" on his paper. Okay, that's not an achievement. Yeah, buddy stars are an achievement. Okay, thank you, Jeff. Clarence, you can't just make up your own grading system. - It would be irrelevant. - Jeff, I don't know the meaning of the word "irrelevant. " - No, I really don't. - It means it doesn't matter. We've got a perfectly fine system. You know, maybe if you were more respectful and stopped eating gum off the bottom of desks, - you'd have some buddy stars up there. - I guess you're right. Here, Sumo, you want these things? - Yeah. What are they? - A dream. - Only a dream. - Hmm. Back to another day of buddy stars. I have Clarence dollars! I'll give you three. Mm okay! You're my best friend! - No, you are! - What the heck? - Oh, yeah, yeah. - Thank you. Hey, buddy, check it out! - Everybody's using Clarence dollars! - Bu But how? I just started trading 'em for stuff and they caught on! - Your dream came true buddy! - Oh, really?! Excellent job, sir. No lips on the drinking fountain. Keep it up, tiger. Pick a winner for me. - Keep up the great work. - Thanks for your support! Nice shoes, Clarence. Thanks. My mom picked 'em out. Uh, I think they're nice, too! Yes! Hey, Dustin! You guys want to come over to my house after school today? I got the new "Spacemoles" game! Hey, there, Belson! For bein' such a good Belson, here's your very own Clarence dollar, just for you. Spend it wisely. Come on, fellas. He threw away a Clarence dollar! - Give me my money. - That won't be necessary. - Who the heck are you? - Let's just say I'm your new mom. Here's a Clarence dollar, son. Unhand this fellow. Now get out of here. Uh, at the rate you're goin', we're gonna need to make 50 more Clarence dollars by the end of the school day! Time to up production. - Mm. My hand hurts. - Approved. This is for your loss. That dog should be caught and punished. Clarence, you need to stop rewarding people for bad things, okay? Forgetting homework is bad. He's getting a zero on that assignment. See, Mrs. Baker, that's the difference between me and you. Clarence dollars are for everybody. - Am I right, people? - Yeah, buddy stars stink! Okay. Hey. Easy. I think buddy stars are still relevant. "Yeah. Me too. " - Here you go, everyone. - Clarence dollars are the best! Bye, guys. See you tomorrow. Stay out of trouble, you knuckleheads. Clarence, you have to stop all this Clarence dollar nonsense. Sorry, Jeff. Money talks. What does that even mean? "It means I'm not going anywhere. Clarence dollars are here to stay. " That's right, dollar Clarence. You know what? You're pretty handsome, if I do say so myself. "You're not too shabby yourself, regular Clarence. " - Oh, you're just sayin' that. - I give up. What the heck are Jeff and Mrs. Baker so worried about? Clarence dollars are so good. Everybody loves 'em. Mwah! How could you do anything wrong? Wrong wrong diddly-dong dong anything wrong Ah, nothing like goin' for a morning swim especially when it's your own dollars. Whoa! Clarence! A money monster? Huh? Uh-oh. Belson? Hmm. I think I'll get a cheesecake stick. No, no. Noooooo! Oh. Oh. I had such a terrible fright. A monster made of money whatever could it mean? Shouldn't have eaten all those turkish delights before bed. You're not my mom! Oh, my gosh. Is this real life? Yep, this is the real one. - Give me back my Clarence dollars! - What the heck? Mine, mine, mine! What's going on? Where's all the friendship? Hey, hey, hey! Put that down. Clarence, the whole school's gone crazy over your dollars. You got to do some Back! Back, you devils! Uh, I don't know if I can keep drawin' all these Clarence - dollars, Clarence. - Wow. That's pretty good. You're good at drawing. - Yeah, I can

Jeff: Clarence, please. Show some humanity. You've got to stop this.

Clarence: I know. It's become more powerful than I ever imagined. And now I'll have to destroy my own creation. Jeff, get some gasoline, we're gonna burn these dollars to the ground!

[cut to Aberdale Elementary burning down]

Jeff: I don't think that's gonna solve anything. We need to flood the market with them!

Clarence: Exactly! We'll flood the school!

[cut to Aberdale Elementary flooded]

Jeff: No, no, no. I mean make so many Clarence Dollars that no one will use them anymore. Like Soviet money!

Clarence: Interesting. So then we flood the school.

[cut to Aberdale Elementary flooded again]

Jeff: No. No, that never happens.

Hey, what're you kids do Don't touch any of that All right, come and get 'em. Take as many as you want. - Thank you. - I've got them! They're mine! They're all mine! I've got so much! But so does everybody else. Well, what are we gonna trade now? Uh, do you want mine? I have too many now. - Yeah, I know, really. - What? There we go. Crisis averted. Now we can go back to the good old buddy-star system. Hey, everyone! I just got this new thing from my uncle in California. Whoa! That's right. California. They're called tappy cards. Whoa! And to play, you have to buy them all! Whoa, whoa, whoa. With real money. How you feelin', big guy? It's like I had the whole world on a leash. But then it turned out to be one of those stupid invisible dog leashes. There's not even a real dog there. - Right. - Well, it was a nice dream. I guess it takes more to change the world than just printer paper with my face on it.

Belson: I finally got it.

Belson: Belson bucks.

Clarence: Sorry, Belson. Everyone's into tappy cards now. Gotta buy 'em all.

Clarence: What's up, cool guy?

Sumo: Want a freezy pop? I traded in all my Clarence dollars for 'em right before the crash. They're kind of melty.

Jeff: Who in the world would want that many Clarence dollars?

— Clarence's Millions/Transcript —
Season 0 Pilot
Season 1 Fun Dungeon Face OffA Pretty Great Day With a GirlMoney Broom WizardLost in the SupermarketClarence's MillionsClarence Gets a GirlfriendJeff's New ToyDinner PartyHonkDollar HuntZooRise and ShineMan of the HousePuddle EyesDream BoatSlumber PartyNature ClarenceAverage JeffLizard Day AfternoonThe ForgottenNeighborhood GrillBelson's SleepoverToo Gross For ComfortPilot ExpansionPatientsRough Riders ElementaryNothing VenturedBedside MannersJeff WinsSuspendedTurtle HatsGoose ChaseGoldfish FolliesChimneyStraight IllinDust BuddiesHurricane DillissHoofin' ItDetentionHairenceLil' BuddyChalmers SantiagoTuckered BoysWater ParkWhere the Wild Chads areBreehn Ho!The Big Petey Pizza ProblemThe Break UpIn DreamsBalanceSpooky Boo
Season 2 The InterrogationLost PlaygroundBird Boy ManFreedom CactusPlane ExcitedEscape from Beyond the CosmicRen FaireTime CrimesSaturday SchoolAttack the Block PartyField Trippin'Ice Cream HuntCompany ManStump BrothersThe Tails of MardryniaClarence Wendle and The Eye of CooganSneaky PeekyGame ShowSkater SumoMystery GirlThe SubstituteClassroomDullanceJeff's SecretSpace RacePlant DaddiesBucky and the HowlWorm BinClarence and Sumo's Rexcellent AdventureBirthdayTree of LifeCapture The FlagClorisFishing TripBelson's BackpackMotelMerry MoochmasPizza Hero
Season 3 Sumo Goes WestValentimesClarence for PresidentRock ShowThe Phantom ClarenceJeffery WendleBadgers & BunkersDingus & McNobrainBye Bye BakerFlood BrothersPool's Out For SummerBig GameThe Boxcurse ChildrenKarate MomClarence Loves ShoopyPublic RadioChad and the MarathonOfficer MoodyGilben's DifferentCool Guy ClarenceJust Wait in the CarMissing CatBig Trouble in Little AberdaleDare DayThe TradeA Nightmare on Aberdale Street: Balance's RevengeChadsgivingA Sumoful MindAnimal DayThe TunnelTalent ShowRC CarDog King ClarenceTrampolineClarence The MovieBelson Gets a GirlfriendBrain TVEtiquette ClarenceVideo StoreAnywhere But Sumo
Shorts Beauford T. PusserHave a BallBig BoyBeach BlastBelson TouchSeparation AnxietyBeansSticky ClarenceClaw MachineBirding With GuylerRainy DayClarencio MagnificoDoodle BattleLonely Lonnie