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Average Jeff Gallery Transcript
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[The episode opens to a montage of Jeff's routine while similar music from "American Psycho" plays in the background.]   

Jeff:  I live on Salem Lane in Aberdale, Arizona. My name is Jeff Randell. I'm in the 4th grade. I have my own set of tastes and I like my things a certain way. Shower for 8 minutes, brush teeth for 2 minutes. I stay on routine, on schedule. I'm not like anyone else. I'm particular. I'm special.  

[After getting ready, Jeff leaves the house and checks his watch, showing that it's 8:00. The school bus arrives at the exact time, and Jeff gets on it.]

Jeff:  Look, after today, things are gonna be different. We can still hang out; you just won't be able to understand everything I say now. Even though we won't be taking the same classes together... [Transition to classroom] ...we're still in the same grade, and it doesn't mean we can't be friends. 

Clarence: Uh-huh. [scrapes some peanut butter between two cracker-like biscuits off on the side of the desk, then rolls it into a larger peanut butter ball]

Jeff:  Nothing's gonna change between us, except my life will be better. Everyone has their own path. It's just, mine has a higher trajectory. 

Clarence: [eating the peanut butter ball on the tip of his finger, while Sumo is erasing writing on his desk] Nuh-uh, me and Sumo are on a trajectory too.

Ms. Baker: Okay everyone. Let's quiet down, okay? Quiet please. [Jeff rushes to his seat]

Ms. Baker: Okay, I'm sure your all waiting to see the results of your placement test. Now, just remember, it doesn't matter if you're in the advance group-- uh... Quill...(!) group. Or the, um... uh... other group. Crayon. Right, crayon. So, everyone has their own path, their own, learning style. Uh, some people have different, um... you know... special world... Ugh... Okay, look, if you have a crayon on your page, you're with Ms. Shoop, and if you have a quill, you're with me.

Jeff: Mm-hm. [Ms. Baker is shown handing out the students' tests]

Chelsea: [gets a quill card on her page and giggles]

Breehn: [reading a book, then looks down at his test, also showing a quill card]

Percy: [struggles to get his shirt on, but stops when Ms. Baker gives him his test, showing a crayon card] Ooh.

Clarence: [gets a crayon card, along with Sumo] Aw, cool, we get to be crayon brothers! ​​​​​​

Melessica: [gets her test, showing a quill card]

Jeff: [gets given his test] [inhales, then looks at his test, revealing a crayon card]

Jeff: [leans back, relaxed] Ah, yep. Still got it. [suddenly stops, and looks at his test again]

​​[The camera pans closer to the crayon card while horrible sounding piano chords play, as if someone was slamming their fingers down on the keys.]

Ms. Baker:  All right so were not starting until tomorrow so today--

Jeff:  Ms. Baker, can I speak with you please?!

Ms. Baker: Uh, right now?

Jeff: Yes, please! Right now!

[Cut to outside the classroom.]

Jeff: I mean, it's funny, really and I didn't want to embarass you in front of everyone, but you seemed to put me in the wrong group. See this is a crayon card, not a quill card. It's okay Ms. Baker, we all make mistakes sometimes. 

Ms. Baker: Uh, no Jeff, this is not a mistake, you tested into the crayon group.

Jeff: No, no, no, no, no. That can't be right. You probably got me test mixed up with someone else's. This is a mix-up, right?

Ms. Baker: No Jeff, this is your name. This is your test right here. 

Jeff: I-I don't understand...

Ms. Baker:  Oh, I'd thought you'd be happy. Don't you wanna be with your friends?


Jeff: [looks through the class door window, showing Sumo and Clarence messing around] No! I want my life to be better than their's!

Ms. Baker:  ​​​Jeff, I want you to think what you just said. [glares at him before he could say anything, then enters the classroom and shuts the door]

[Bell rings.]

Breehn: According to Aristotle, active intellect can take any information and turn it into knowlege, whereas passive intellect takes it all for face value?

Ms. Baker: That's right, Breehn. 

Chelsea: Not according to St. Thomas Aquinas!

[The entire class laughs.]

Ms. Baker: [laughs as well] Oh, Chelsea!

Jeff: [stares longingly at the class from outside the room and sighs]

​​​​​​[Cut to the Crayon group.]

Ms. Shoop: [unenthusiastically] "I can't believe I was lucky enough to find all these delicous trees!" exclaimed Tonya the Tapir. Then Tonya began to eat all the lleaves and berries and leaves she could "Yum, yum, yum, tapirs love leaves!" [turns the book around, showing the pictures in the book to the group]

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